i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
