I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
