It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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