Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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