I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
