I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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