just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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