the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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