oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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