So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
FUCK WHALES
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
