Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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