making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
