I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
