Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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