Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
