I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
And then my night got REAL pukey
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
