Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
