she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
