I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
