party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
