so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
