There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
