I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
