Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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