I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
