Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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