Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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