I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
We left an ass print on the piano.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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