ya dads aren't the best wingmen
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
