i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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