So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Randomize
