First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
So many bounce houses so little time
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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