fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
