btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
