it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
