It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
