Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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