walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Randomize
