swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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