It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
