I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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