wrigley field is MILF paradise
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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