Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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