I think I can smell my own vagina right now
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
