I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
