I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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