evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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