I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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