it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
