I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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