we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
