he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
